My Own Birth Reflections
As I've been doing some inner work and reflection throughout my pregnancy, I'm at a part in my book study where it's time to look at my own birth. When I myself arrived earth side. Coincidentally, I’m approaching my 30th birthday next week so it’s quite an impeccable time, and with so much transformation going through my Saturn Return. Have any of you thought of this time actually? Have your parents told you the story? It's been told to me very briefly many times. My mom doesn’t usually seem to remember so many of the little details. Hospital birth, male doctor, epidural, "typical" 1994 birth. I only discovered recently in a random conversation with my mom that she was sick and very congested and she took Afrin which worked so well and "oh yeah I was in labor actually, the nurse gave it to me and I was shocked how much I could breathe" I was shocked myself she left that part out when she had told me. I feel there's lots of things I don't know about my own birth and having to do my own hypnosis and deep research on.
This work is so beyond important and so many of us have overlooked it. I didn't realize until reading the book I'm reading, Labor Like A Goddess how healing doing this self discovery can really be. It says a lot about us our births and entrances to this world. And there's so much transformation that we can have when we take look at it and even re experience it in some ways.
I know from hearing my birth story, that my dad at one point went home for a while after I was born. He was tired and falling asleep in the chair and the nurse suggested him to go home and sleep. It kind of surprises me honestly. First off why would a nurse suggest for the only birth partner there to leave a brand new mother to go home and sleep? Isn’t sleeping in a chair fine? After all a woman goes through having a baby, really the partner needs to go home to sleep? He did and my mom apparently was upset later and the hospital had been calling him many times because he slept through the alarm and woken up late. Gosh if Fabian did that during my birth I would have been so frustrated and upset. I wonder who was there for my mom and me in those hours after birth when my dad left. It sounds lonely, but maybe it was just me and my mom and she was recovering.
I know my mom worked up until she went into labor and I was "2 weeks" early so I must've come around 38 weeks. Interesting if I did come closer to my due date I would've been a Taurus. I'm definitely not a Taurus LOL. My mom was a mail lady and was extremely active her entire pregnancy, she loved to work out and she would walk her mail routes which probably sent her into labor. I believe her water broke in the shower.
I was born on April 14, 1994 so I'm assuming it was probably a beautiful spring day and she was enjoying her walking route, I guess I'll have to confirm that part with her but I can imagine on April 13th, when I assume she went into labor was a pretty nice day. I do believe my mom had a more painful slower birth since she had time to ask for an epidural, and it must have been painful enough to want to ask for one. I'm not sure if she would use the words traumatic, beautiful, or scary, I'd have to ask..again... But hearing how she talks about birth it seems like something she would rather not experience again. I know my dad was there when I had actually come out and I came at 5:16pm the next day so I'm sure he was there in the morning. Maybe a full 24 hours of active labor? Another something I'd have to check in with her.
These details she doesn't seem to remember, but trying to go back to the day these little details are important. We do the best we can here to remember. I know she was so happy when I finally came, not sure the things she said while in labor or once I was born but I'm sure she felt relieved when I was finally out.
Feelings About My Birth Story
When I reflect on the information I do have on my birth story, I can't help but feel a little sad for my mom and also just even more compassion for her doing as much as she could on her own, and doing the best she could at 24 years old. 24. My mom was 24. I was 28 when I had my first child, but the 24 year old me would have been way more scared than 28 year old me. And when I was 24 I didn’t know much about natural births I was thinking I would be having my baby at Lennox Hill Hospital in New York City like all the cool moms did and like Charlotte in Sex and the City LOL. I commend my mom for her strength and endurance to keep it up. But I also feel sad there was a lack of support from those around, also that my dad went home to sleep instead of staying with her (and me) the entire time. I wonder how long I was separated from mom and was I in another room with other babies? Why do they do that anyway?
My birth makes a lot of sense to me as it relates to my life experience. I was taught to be independent at a very young age, and clearly I came in pretty independent, especially being an Aries. There was a sense of feminine power, an I can do it energy. But also a need for medical assistance throughout life. I've only recently started to transform that in the last several years to being way more holistic and into self healling and eastern traditions. I don't remember the last time I actually stepped foot in a hospital or doctors office except for prenatal care but that’s at my birth center. I take care of a lot of things on my own now and believe in very little medical intervention. Unless necessary which I would use my intuition for and everyone has their own journey, path, and beliefs around this.
I can say my birth does set the tone a bit for the lessons and challenges in my life. As a younger child and teenager through young adulthood I wanted support and assistance in all of my challenges and not wanted to go about things always on my own. I've needed support in many ways, although there's a balance of I can do this myself also. I may carry the weight of my birth a little bit, maybe more so the moments once I arrived at home with my parents and those first months. Now when it comes to the relationship with my mom... I don't think my birth has brought us close together in any way. I don't think I had a lot of time skin to skin on her when I reflect and I feel ripped from that. A lack of love so to speak. It may have even separated us even further. Knowing this, I want completely different for my children. Pure love, soft, gentle birth and comfort and attachment for them so they can maintain their highest vibrational selves and integrate beautifully into their new experience here on earth in their perfect bodies.
When I regress into my birth, I feel lost and depressed. Numb to the motions. Just making my way out because I need to. I’m asking for help but just do it on my own anyway. I realize I have to help my mom because she’s frustrated and tired.. The doctor touches me and I feel a sense of grossness from him. Knowing he isn’t my mom or my dad. I don’t want to be touched in anyway by any man or person that’s not my father or mother. I’m annoyed. Why can’t I just relax and be chill already I just want mom I just want comfort. I’m mad, I hate the room it’s cold and ugly. Of course I cried I just wanted to be cozy and back in my womb in the warm waters. And then they cut my cord and rush me when I haven’t even had a chance to integrate into my environment and surroundings They are just annoying me. They are loud and all I really needed was my mom and dad. Everyone else could leave me alone already. I was hungry and they’re making me wait too long to eat. I just want my mom’s milk and her smell. I miss her. Where is she. Finally it feels nice when I’m finally having milk and on her. Why are they taking me away again. I don’t need to be checked I’m fine can’t they leave me alone already why all these procedures. They’re hurting me. I’m not liking it here. Birth is not fun. But I did it. I’m here. Now let’s go home.
There’s my sassy Aries attitude. Explains a lot of why I have been annoyed, angry, and felt at times like the world is an unsafe, ugly, place. My complaints, my needs not being met but dealing with it. Not feeling nourished or supported completely. Separation from comfort. A sense of disempowerment as everyone doing all these things to me without consent. I feel immense gratitude and love for my parents their smiling sweet faces at me and I know they are relieved and happy I am here. I am happy I am here with them too I just want to be out of the hospital situation and back to our cozy comforting home. I took my time and was ready to come to earth I was excited and anticipating the season and the hot spring energy. I come swiftly but at a perfect energetic pace. I take my time but not too long. I love my rhythm it’s my own. Only I rush my own self but then I know when to slow down and take breaks. It is quite a dance. Tears shed as I wrote this and processed this. We 100000% feel our birth and we 100000% can remember it. It’s intentional to regress, but you can. And it’s worth exploring for sure.
I know what needs to be healed to give my children a better experience is creating more peace and relaxation in my world. Learning how to stay calm in all situations and circumstances. To look at the world with a sense of gratitude and appreciation and see the beauty in all of life. Not feeling like anyone is out to get me, harm me, or irritate me. I am accepting that everyone is doing the best they can with the awareness that they are at. And I can choose higher and better for myself and my children.
I can remain calm and handle any and all pain with calm and relaxation techniques. I will allow myself even more time and truly go at my own pace throughout labor and birth. I heal my womb space by creating sacred space, intention, and filling my womb with love and high vibrational food and frequencies. Lots of touch and healing sounds, chanting from deep in my diaphragm, practicing breath work and meditating. Finding peacefulness within. I do not want to pass on any angry, irritation, annoyance, or fear to my baby. I want there to be peace, calm, trust, and pure joy.
Releasing tension throughout labor and birth, breathing and singing my baby out instead of a frustrated grunt or irritation with anyone around me. Being in a state of pure love and bliss and PLEASURE even in the midst of the strongest surges. Practicing now releasing facial tension, the frowning, the fists, coping with the irritations throughout the day and calming the mind. More smiling and soft face, jaw, by my mind. Not just by taking a vitamin or supplement but by true consciousness and mindfulness. No more auto pilot.
This is a very vulnerable post for me to put out into the world but it’s so healing. Thoughts may be scattered, and I love that. I wrote and erased, and rewrote some things a few times and then really dove deep. So this is some real raw material. I hope it can inspire you to do some of your own inner birth therapy.
Some books that have helped me understand this even deeper are Labor Like A Goddess and Sacred Birthing. Highly recommend giving those a read if it calls to you.
Thank you for reading,
Bria
Comments